How To Set A Boundary

WellSpace Psychology
Jul 17, 2023
2 min read

Updated: Jul 17, 2023

Boundaries are useful tools to help us stay in relationship with another person sustainably. I like to think of them as having one foot in, one foot out. The foot in says I care about you; the foot out says and I also care about me. If we have two feet in, we risk over-extending ourselves, which can lead to resentment and burn out. If we have two feet out, we fail to consider the other persons' needs, which could make them feel devalued.

It's important to equally weigh both people's needs when setting a boundary, so that it remains a tool to establish relationship equality, not to manipulate or control another person's behaviour.

Step #1 - Empathise and validate

This first step is crucial. You need to put yourself in the other person's shoes to identify and show care for their emotional position. This step establishes a collaborative tone, reducing potential conflict.

Step #2 - Say the word and

It's as simple as that. Say and. Do not say but, or else the person will disregard all that you said in Step 1.

The foot in says I care about you; the foot out says and I also care about me.

Step #3 - Lift up your needs

Here is where you get a chance to share what line of yours is being crossed. I suggest you make this as specific and easy to understand as possible.

Step #4 - Compromise

Finally, you can offer a compromise, or ask the other person whether they have an idea for a compromise.

Example:

Let's say a colleague has asked you to cover their shift with short notice for the third time in a row. While you're happy to help, it's now becoming a pattern you're not so keen on. Here's what you might say:

I know you're juggling a lot right now, and it's hard to keep up! I'm really happy to help you where I can
And
When I have short notice, it's not always easy for me to cover your shifts
In future, could you give 1 days' notice so I am more likely to be available to help the team out?

This technique takes practice to get right, so be brave and give it a go. You will make mistakes, but learning from mistakes is best way to learn!